


take my hand and drag me head first

by snowsoju



Series: HQSwiftWeek2020 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confessions, Fluff, Gay Panic, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild OoC, Realizations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26435845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowsoju/pseuds/snowsoju
Summary: HQSWIFTWEEK2020 DAY 1: Fearless Album---------------Feeling the regrets of their final game, Makki finds himself lost on what to do next. Soon, he finds himself stumped on discovering new things about him and Mattsun.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei
Series: HQSwiftWeek2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921630
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	take my hand and drag me head first

Their faces were still marred with fresh tears, hearts thumping in painful beats of regrets.

Three years. Three years of hard work and struggle, of constant practices, of pushing themselves to the limit, of improving techniques and strategies that could help them win and get the chance to be on the National stage.

And yet,

It was still not enough.

Mattsun cried silently – as silent as he always is, but you can see how his shoulders shake. He tried to hide his face into his shirt but the wet spot growing larger by the second makes it hard to ignore. Mattsun cried silently, different from the other third years who can't keep the whimpers to themselves as they wallow in defeat.

Oikawa cried openly. They let him. They know it hurts him the most. The crushing defeat and the burden of his stubborn pride. He wanted to win more than anything. To prove to Ushijima and Kageyama that he is worthy to stand on a grand stage, to let them see that even geniuses can be defeated.

Iwaizumi stood still, hands clenched into fists. His tears flow freely but he makes no move to wipe them away. His vision is blurry and his eyes hurt, but he remained standing still, as composed and dignified like an Ace should be.

Makki cried. He cried with whimpers and hiccups and regrets. Every time his eyes close, all he could see was Karasuno celebrating their win. It hurts to accept but it hurts more to be bitter. That could've been them. They could've fought Shiratorizawa again.

But it wasn't meant to be, was it? Iwaizumi always told them that the team with the strongest six will win, and at that moment, it was Karasuno that had the stronger six.

All of them cried until there were no more tears. Cried until the regrets became a numbing reminder. Cried until they finally cracked jokes again, and finally breathe again.

They cleaned up the gym and bid goodbyes to the other third years.

Iwaizumi and Oikawa left first, their heads hanging low in deep thought. Mattsun left soon after, eyes and nose still red from all the crying. Makki stayed behind, convincing himself that he's trying to reminisce all the good times, the bad times, and the fun times. Sitting down and letting out a defeated sigh, he wiped the tears threatening to spill – he had already done his part of crying and there's no use in crying more.

Were there lingering regrets? Maybe. Makki thought they could've done better.  _ They were stronger _ . Their spikes were sharp and precise. Their blocks were impregnable. Their plays were strategically thought out. Makki doesn't know where they went wrong. Has it been because of luck? Was Karasuno favoured by the goddess of fortune in that match?

Makki shook his head before letting out a defeated laugh. "That's just an excuse," he thought to himself aloud. Karasuno was strong. No, Karasuno  **IS** strong. Luck or not, the results will not change. It is what it is.

He breathes in deeply, staring into the empty space.

_ So. What should he do now? _

It's not like he had never thought about the future, but he liked living in the moment. He liked playing volleyball. He liked fooling around with his friends. He even liked procrastinating and fooling around during exams. It was fun.

Could he say that his youth was well spent? Definitely, but right now, the fear of the future is looming near, and he doesn't wanna deal with it yet.

Do the other guys know what they want to do after graduation?

Well, they know Oikawa has plans. Iwaizumi was unclear, but he'd definitely pursue something volleyball-related. Mattsun...

Well, Mattsun's an enigma.

"Who's an enigma?"

Startled, he looks through the doorway, seeing the figure of a familiar tall man.

"Mattsun?" Confused, he tilted his head too the side. "I thought you've gone home." Then, remembering Mattsun's remark, his expression turned to horror. "Wait, you heard that?"

Mattsun shrugged. "Forgot something," Mattsun approached and sat beside him. "What are you still doing here, anyway? It's getting late."

The pink-haired man raised an eyebrow at him. "Not your business," he muttered, leaning his head back on the wall. "Take what you need and get out."

Mattsun made no move to stand up again, and instead made himself comfortable on Makki's side.

They sat in silence. The crickets filled the void of the cold night.

Mattsun was the first to break the silence.

"Have you been crying?" He asked.

Caught off-guard, Makki gawked at him, indignant. "W-wha? What do you think, stupid? WE WERE ALL CRYING, in case you haven't noticed."

Mattsun chuckled. "Yeah, you were an ugly crier."

"Shut up, you're uglier," Makki retorted. They bantered back and forth, setting into a familiar pace and comfort.

They sat in silence again, minutes stretching out. 

"What are your plans after graduation?" Mattsun asked again.

Makki blinked before shrugging. "Dunno."

"Are you going to uni?" Mattsun asked.

"Probably."

"Will you still play volleyball?"

Makki paused.

It was a long pause, and Mattsun figured the pink-haired boy wouldn't answer.

"Probably not." He finally heard Makki say.

"Oh," he remarked. "Me, too."

Makki looked at him with wide eyes, trying to figure out if he was joking. He stared back until Makki gave up, shrugging his shoulders in resignation.

"Volleyball... is fun. Playing with Oikawa, Iwaizumi, the team, with you. It's fun," Makki turned to him. "But it's not for everyone."

Mattsun nodded in agreement. "I love volleyball, and I'd always treasure the memories I had with it, but it's something I couldn't pursue half-heartedly, you know?"

Yeah, volleyball is not merely a game. For some, it's a way of life, and for some special idiots, it's an extension of life itself.

They'd probably miss it. The court, the cheers, the tension. The intensity of anticipating where the ball would land, who would receive it, who would get that one point to change the momentum of the game. The smell of sweat clinging to their bodies and dripping on the floor, as a voice of "one more" echoes throughout the stadium. The hunger of looking forward to playing with stronger teams, proving to themselves and everyone else that they deserved to stand on this stage, too.

Makki chuckled. "Remember that time when we got into the volleyball club?"

He recalled the memory fondly. Mattsun wasn't as tall as he is now, but still was way taller than Makki. Makki was a snivelling freshman trying to figure out how to spend his youth wisely. He was into sports, but not too seriously. He knows Aoba Johsai was some kind of a powerhouse, and he figured just joining the club for it's name would impress some folks even if he wouldn't aim to be a regular.

He bumped into Mattsun as they were late in submitting their applications, knees shaking as they were scolded thoroughly by the advisor and head coach, calling them irresponsible. Makki had thought about retracting his application then, but Mattsun seemed unaffected. Seeing Mattsun's silent figure there with him, he wondered – what kind of person would appear so nonchalant while being lectured. It intrigued Makki then, and that was the first time he thought of Mattsun as an enigma.

Upon hearing his recollection, Mattsun raised an eyebrow at him. "An enigma? Really?"

"Well, you kinda are, bro," Makki replied truthfully. "You were tall and silent, and you had a really nice poker face, no one could actually know what you were thinking then."

Mattsun hummed. "And now?" He asked, to Makki's surprise. "How am I an enigma now?"

Makki looked away, leaning his head back on the wall. "You're still hard to figure out, at times," Makki confessed. "Sure, we tease people and pull pranks, but somehow you're still a huge mystery to me. Like you're hiding something."

Makki hugged his knees close to his chest. "Not in a bad way, though. I'm sure you have your reasons, and I'm not trying to be nosy. It's... It just feels like your faraway sometimes."

Mattsun was silent. Makki hides his face, unsure of what prompted him to say all those things.

"Makki, do you like me?"

Taken aback in surprise, Makki stared at the taller boy's face, face rapidly reddening.

"W-what..." He stammered.

That's ridiculous, at the same time it's not. Makki had never thought about it. Never thought about feelings or girls. Or boys. Or people in general. Never thought about romance or sex, though maybe he should have, because that's what a normal person going through adolescence should think about.

And... Does he even like Mattsun? Sure, they've been hanging out together, but had Makki thought of him that way? Did Mattsun like him that way?

He was focused on... on volleyball, but that's not always the case. He didn't want to be a regular in the first place.

"Makki, breathe," he heard Mattsun say, the taller boy's hand on his shoulders trying to calm him down. He didn't notice he was letting out shallow breaths.

"Mattsun, I —" he tried to speak, only for Mattsun to shush him.

"Breathe," Mattsun instructed him. He does so, taking in deep breaths and exhaling slowly.

"Mattsun, I —" he tried to speak again, but Mattsun put a finger on his lips before ruffling his hair.

"Don't mind, Makki." He stood up and held a hand out to the pink-haired boy. "Let's go home?"

Makki took his hand.

They walked in silence, streetlights illuminating their path. Makki had already calmed down, but he couldn't stop overthinking about Mattsun's question.

_ "Do you like me?" _

"Stop overthinking it," Mattsun chided. Makki shot a questioning glance at him, which Mattsun shrugged off.

"If you keep forcing yourself to decide now before you even figure it out, you'll hurt yourself."

He stopped and faced Makki. "Liking me or not, it doesn't matter. I'd still like you, Makki."

Jaw dropping, Makki took a step back. Mattsun continued to stare into him, unmoving. Makki started breathing hard again, screaming in frustration.

"You're making me crazy!" He yelled. "I'm so confused and... and... what is this? I didn’t know you even liked me  _ that way _ . For how long? How long did you like me?"

Mattsun shrugged. "I don't know. Was I supposed to count?"

Makki glared. The bastard really had the gall to still make a joke while he was freaking out.

He doesn't know what's happening. If this is a joke or a prank but Mattsun seemed serious.

Mattsun merely stared at his conflicted face before sighing in resignation. “It’s not a big deal, Makki. It’s just feelings.”

Not a big deal? NOT A BIG DEAL? Makki was close to hyperventilating. How is it not a big deal? Mattsun just told him he liked him! How is he supposed to react to that?

He screamed again in frustration, before grabbing Mattsun's collar, making the taller boy bend to his height.

"If this is a joke, I will kill you," Makki threatened, before kissing Mattsun.

His eyes were closed and his heart thumping rapidly. The rush of adrenaline made him shiver as he found Mattsun's lips to be soft and perfect.

He pulled away quickly, heart still loudly and rapidly thumping. He refused to open his eyes, afraid of what might happen next.

He just kissed Mattsun! Him! Kissing! Mattsun! He doesn’t even know his own feelings and yet he already kissed his best friend? Who does that? It felt like skipping a few steps of a procedure he is utterly clueless about.

He coughed hard as he tried to catch up his breath, mind running fast, spewing thoughts of panic, fear, bewilderment, and confusion.

_ Oh God I just kissed Mattsun. I just kissed my best friend. I don't even know if I liked him yet and I kissed him! I — do I like Mattsun? Am I gay? _

"Mattsun, I —" he started, but a finger was placed on his lips.a hand caressed his cheek gently, and Makki was even more afraid to open his eyes.

"You're so troublesome, Makki."

There was a fond tone in Mattsun's voice.

"Like I said, if you keep forcing yourself to decide now before you even figure it out, it would become a disaster later. There is no need to rush."

Makki slowly opened his eyes – the smiling face of Mattsun greeting him. Mattsun leaned forward, bumping their foreheads together.

"Take your time, Makki. It's okay. My love is not fragile."

Makki felt warmth surging in his cheeks. He pulled away and tried to laugh it off, "That's so embarrassing."

Mattsun smirked. "I can be more embarrassing."

Makki tilted his head in confusion, while Mattsun gazed straight into his eyes. "I'm glad I joined this team, Makki, or I wouldn't have met you."

Makki blushed furiously. Mattsun laughed at him.

Scoffing, Makki walked ahead of the taller boy, leaving him behind. The taller boy wasted no time to jog next to him, a goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Me too," Makki suddenly spoke, making Mattsun turn to him. "I'm glad to be in this team, too. And meeting you."

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: pleease forgive any inaaccuracies of matsuhana's characters hehe i just wanted to see them in a fluff setting


End file.
